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[14 Dec 2009|04:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 quixotic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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my head is ringing and ears are singing |
] |
Only the stat final is left.
The review for it is 24 pages long. The sample final is 7. The time I went to bed last night is 5 am, # of total hours of lseep for the past 3 days is about 13.
If I go mad- burn my clothes. I'd rather have them destroyed than be belong to people who mistreat them. I donate the make-up library to the Illinois crew, you know who you are. Take care of Moor.
sigma(Tsquareroot/n-GsigmaX/SS over P/ksquared something something... now memorise 32 more of these and I'm gooooooooooood minus the understanding. not a chance of any good coming from anywhere near that area.
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| purple teardrops i cry- it don't have a price... lalala |
[10 Dec 2009|10:54pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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LadyGaga |
] |
1 exam down, 2 more to go. ahhhhhhiwantosleepiwantosleep. tootiredtogetintobed or press the space bar. hate essay finals.
take fucking pity on me. i don't care who, just do it. poor little me damn it.
i really want the sphynx cat in the Bad Romance Gaga video.
dyed hair black with dark fuschia ends.
oh hm the semester is over and i never found geo. haha. nah, not so much -_-
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[02 Dec 2009|10:08pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
Billie Beau Mikhal
another lecture week's almost over.
if i attend any less, i would never get to drive. yes, i go to lectures to enjoy the vehicle.
vova went fishing in my coupe and forgot some sort of a disgusting bait in the trunk... for 2 days.
i drove it outside from the garage with the roof and both windows open, but after 30 seconds the stench still burnt tears in my eyes.
plumbing problems in the house built on a dumpster hill smell better than the inside of my poor Jacster mobile. it's been outside airing out all day, but i don't know how long it'll be before i can get the familiar smell of the vanilla/smoke/leather combination back. tragedy.
on a side note bitter orange/jasmine lotion topped with honey/caramel fragrance is an amazing sensory experience, and i think my most creative invention this year. have a feeling i'll be using this for a while- a winter staple is born.
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[01 Dec 2009|01:05am] |
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mood |
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quixotic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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underworld- dark and long |
] |
ever since we bought those matching 2010 planners, my head's all screwy. i mean it. it's the hello kittiness, the pinkness of the pencils, the strawberry smell of the childhood i never had.
u know what? i wouldn't be surprised if by the end of the semester (15 days left) i dye my hair something fierce, redo my closet, and start sporting neon logo tees and butterfly earrings. wtf? my hormones must be having a rave.
i want neon nails, fuschia lips, huge blue boots, black/white/lavender hair, a red trench, and huge green headphones.
i almost hate everything i wear.
just spent 20 minutes looking at pictures of some metly attention hoe chick. then i realized i wasn't disgusted, but actually curious about what she was going to wear in the next pic. pretty too i guess. i miss stupidity. i miss objects that scream, and people that crave them. i miss really annoying colors, and blithe sayings by casual acquaintances from hell. where's the fucking edge? fuck class, i want chaos, dust, and pixie sticks.
blame sleep deprivation.
losing my fucking mind. i think my favorite animal is a cinereous vulture. that's within the acceptable personality limits at least.
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[23 Nov 2009|07:02pm] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
] |
K.Stew is gorgeous, but for fuck's sake DO NOT waste your money on New Moon.
Whoever was in charge of making Edward look like Edward... disgusting. Script too. Err, pretty much everything except K.Stew, and LeFevre (?! do not care to look up the spelling). The red hair/red eye combo was inspiring.
Mom laughed at the horrid quality of the graphics used to clumsily shape the wolves.
Meyer must have cried when she saw it. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought the millions weren't worth it. Nah, the millions are worth much more.
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[22 Nov 2009|12:56am] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
] |
i think right now i would look more attractive if my insides were outside.
gahh, i hate these parts
fucking season changes and creams that don't work. skin falls, crackles, peels.
good thing it's thanksgiving week. i can continue to stay home and not scare people.
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| yes |
[18 Nov 2009|10:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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disturbed- the night |
] |
research paper done and over with very late last night/early morning.
now on to doing a semester's worth of psych in 2 weeks... this never gets old
i am going to log off, change my sheets and go straight to bed- i am. i am.
speaking of deviousness... nah.
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| stats OWNED |
[11 Nov 2009|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
86% BITCHES! 86% ON THE STAT EXAM. I learned 2 months in a day and a half. At least now I can stop comparing my brain to the learning capacities of inanimate objects. Dang, that was just getting fun.
err
now with the previous 63, I'm at 75%....
73 to pass. eek i hate the pressure. it's like i need to prove that Gordon did not fall on my mom's face for nothing. not that i believe in signs or destinies. i most certainly don't think that mom had to get stitches in order for me to become a world famous psychologist. that's laughable. right?
i liked it better when i had no hope.
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[07 Nov 2009|03:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
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hopeful |
] |
sooo
early thursday morning we left the emergency room
short version: Mom tried to get Gordy out of a tree, and he jumped down right as she was reaching ot get him. Yeap, ended up straight on her face, claws out and everything. Poor mom has a bunch of stitches, and refuses to leave the house. I don't know at what point she will get over the "frankenstein" image, but the stitches are coming out monday night. I'm just happy he missed her eyes (she does have 7 stitches on the lid though).
Anyway, due the whole emergency room thing happening hours before the Stats Exam, my professor let me reschedule and take it Monday morning. The good thing is that I haven't failed it YET. The sucky thing is that the weight of the exam has to hang over my head during the entire weekend.
but the medical crap happens in waves it seems
i decided to start actually working out again. instead of eating fried potatoes, i walked to the gym, and did my lazy 300 cal cardio routine thing. i was pretty much fine when i got back. then i got into the shower, shampood my hair, felt like i was going to puke, lost feeling in my hands, than my legs, fell down, smelled blood in my nose, then possibly blacked out altogether. water turned freezing, i still couldn't get up. okay, that part sucked almost as bad as the whole spinning, loss of feeling sensation, but seriously laying unable to move with soap in my eyes, and cold water beating down- not cool. i'm suspicious of how i'm going to feel tomorrow. i hope i don't get sick from that. very, very slowly, wayyy too slowly i came to and scrambled out of there.
in fact i was dressed and shopping within a little over an hour. yeah, real proud of that. fastest recovery time ever. i have NO idea what the hell all that was about. it's not like i overheated, or even ran a mile. lack of oxygen, or maybe hemoglobin is the key... to not fainting in showers.
gah, i just had to share the ghastly experience.
can't wait to see what happens next. this medical madness HAS to stop. i'm going to push my luck and head straight to the gym first thing in the morning. it's not just vanity, now it's an experiment.
__________
on the side note, i want... i don't want because it's real. i want to feel like someone like that can like me. i know someone like that can't. sooo i just want.
(This doesn't change anything. Geo's still the one. He's just nowhere to be found.)
I wish the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing worked on me. I must've gotten immunized.
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[03 Nov 2009|10:23pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
] |
COLLEGE SUCKS FUCKING .. IT JUST SUCKS OK.
apparently i have a stat exam on thursday. did i know? no. did i understand anything in that class after the first 2 weeks? no. did i try to catch up? yeah, i did. i made it all the way to reading chapter 11, okay half of chapter 11, but literally NONE of it made it into my brain. i don't fucking do hypothetical, theoretical mathematical possibilities. math is like, like, like something terrible with puke on it to me. i don't know.
i seriously don't know what i'm going to minor in, because according to my statistical grade average in stats, i have like less than a 3% chance of passing this class. when i don't pass it, i can't have a psych minor... sooo, yeah no minor.
and no, i can't "buckle down and put some effort into it" that's like telling an american to try and peer mediate a chinese couple.
i never felt so stupid in my entire life. okay, senior year in advanced physics i did, but at least i had an idiot professor to blame for that. fucking Chortanian, i would still do something terrible to him on sight. But this? This i'm just fucking terrible in.
i felt really stupid in last year's logic, but EVERYONE felt stupid in that class. half of people dropped it and i had nothing big riding on it. plus, i passed it because the curve was so huge...
there's no curve in this class and a lot of people are doing really well. i'm just stupid like that- that stupid.
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[01 Nov 2009|04:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
the main idea is this:
i give up on going out. yeah, really. i've went out a whole 4 times. each one more boring than the previous. no point. i'm staying home from now on. fuck this 21 thing. wasted wayyy too much money on mediocre booze, and well nothing else. the thing is once the clock hits midnight Milwaukee turns umm DaRk, if you catch my drift. No pretty girly boys here, just lots of scary dudes with pants dragging on the floor.
Last night, which was Halloween, I wasted a good 4 hours getting ready as a wicked angel, then ended up doing nothing. The party we were supposed to go to was over before we even left the house, and there was nothing to do but going to the nearby movie theater and watch Couples Retreat. Yeah, 2 hours of make-up and costume for that. I think this going out thing would work better if I knew people, but I don't, and noone just goes up and talks to you. Plus I have the whole European girl complex. I don't understand how I spent over $100 on booze (and not even been drunk once, because I'm the driver). That's just not cool. It makes me feel all unappreciated. That shit wouldn't fly in Ukraine, and it doesn't sit well with me. I don't care that U.S. is all about equality. Women make less than men, and men pay for drinks. End of story. Until that changes, I am going to sit at home and watch Harry Potter.
(i will never run into Geo among this city's stupidity)
failing Stats, hahahaha. yeah, i'm laughing about it. took me a whole 2 years in college to have a class that i am going to fail. fucking stats.
had a great half of the day today though. went for a long walk through the fall forest, got a mexican spice latte and walked home. love my new hat. it's magical, warm, and matches everything. these walks always make me feel artsy, and kind of fuzzy. all i see is my life in a giant castle, riding horses til sundown, then playing catch with my huge, dark dogs.
i love how fall feels.
P.S. Xenya Mykal... blah, needs work
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[22 Oct 2009|12:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
and so i have spent almost a week being 21.
there is absolutely no difference
with one exception: the social situations i dread are actually very possible. eek i get weird at parties, and am in constant need of social lubricants. also, i am very aware of overcompensating for my shy nature with defensive arrogance.
i fight it by not saying anything at all. things work out fine when my speech gets slurred though, so that's always a saver.
ah, can't wait for late 30's when noone ever tries to talk to you in parties and every conversation is so staged, noone bothers to take pauses to hear the other person anymore.
sad
saw the andy warhol exhibit today- crap, crap, and more crap. seriously, i don't get it. maybe 1 or 2 pieces i liked at the most but that's it. there's only so much a human can do with their own damn face. putting the dove label over jesus is not a way to go either- and i'm a fucking atheist.
i trully have nothing of importance to say. errrr, sweet, sweet ways i could just... just... not fail my stats class. stringency and joyful effort applied properly to a specific area for a goal... sighhh, you have to see to understand. sooo sooo symmetrical. yeah, really.
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[14 Oct 2009|11:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
i have to admit i never thought i would make it to 21.
i never thought i would make it to 18 either.
but 21? 21 is the age a person turns human in America.
in a day, i can go out, drink, and rent cars. i can go to shooting ranges all by myself. i can.. i can...
i don't have a job. i don't want a job, even though i don't have money.
and i don't feel like any of it, not a single one of those things.
i guess there's always tomorrow. i haven't technically "made it" yet. tomorrow's come and go, and i make it. tragic.
rave saturday night. i was tempted, but declined a possibly fantastic present. don't crave momentary greatness anymore. i could go, but i won't. 21 is too old for that. i'm much more responsible than people give me credit for.
i'd rather keep parents calm, live here, love my room, my cats, my car, and hate the silence in the routine, or routine in silence. I could get rid of it, but my list of things to hate would infinitely grow.
there won't be a party. there will be a calm dinner, and candles. it's how i like things. stories in my head are nothing i would ever want for myself.
still nameless
psych statistics gives me migraines, and has a possibility of making me cry (again) one of these days. i hate, hate, hate, hate that class. don't understand any of it. feeling like the stupidest person in the room is the worst feeling in the world. i hate having to feel it 3 days in a row. quiz in the 8 am lecture tomorrow. dont know ANYTHING. literally NOTHING. i can't focus when pretty people talk. blame the aesthetic mind-set. all i do is repeat "you aren't ACTUALLY stupid. you are just retarded in this specific area" for 4 hours each week. Yeah, really works wonders on my self-esteem.
i just signed on the NEW aim. i can't believe it- how the fuck am i on 201 BUDDY LISTS. THAT'S SO WEIRD. 201? that's INSANE. i kind of wish people i haven't talked to in years would talk to me randomly now. okay- not people, maybe like a person, or 2 people. What? Aesthetics be my vice.
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[07 Oct 2009|11:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crappy |
] |
yeah, i shouldn't have looked just now of course.
not when i'm trying to study (very slightly) for my tomorrow's JMC exam...
but i got a 64 on monday's stats exam, and i'm fucking pissed off.
i'm pissed off because the examl was completely ridiculous, and all the shit i studied (you know- equations, math, sample problems. i wasted like a whole day on it. you know that's HUUUGE amoun of study time in my world.) weren't on it. instead we got bombarded with a bunch of stupid hypothetical questions, and term definitions. wtf? anyway, i really thought it was easy enough for me to get at least an 80% in- guess not. the funny part is that i know i got all the math right... cuz they matched, and i have a stats graphical calculator that does not lie. yeap. stupid questions- stupid answers- stupid grade.
some classes make no sense
if i fail this fucker of a course- no psych minor. no psych minor? no psych minor. fuck it. i don't give a shit. i've been over it for the whole 10 minutes already.
i'd rather play rpg's, write my advertising papers, and have classes in rooms that have windows in them. the entire psych minor is below ground. it's a sign i should have picked up on way before now.
on the brighter side- my hair is awesome. got it done yesterday. now i can go to get my license renewed! finally! (yes, i waited until i got my hair done, because of the license picture. hehe sweet vanity.)
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[28 Sep 2009|09:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
] |
i am starting to lose feeling in my fingers, which means only one thing:
yeap, +10C for a high, +2C for a low... where the hell is the good, nice fall that was happening over the weekend, today was insanely cold, and rainy, and there was a lot of windy stuff going on that the cats weren't too fond of.
either way the weather was totally distracting, so instead of studying i cleaned all day.
so now it's all clean, but i am no closer to getting anywhere with the hw i hypothetically have. hypothetically because i decided not to do it for tomorrow. so when i decided that, i wrote school off and am now really free to do whatever i feel like doing... except it's all clean now. it's too late to do laundry (stupid condo rules) and i have reorganized my make-up yesterday. *shiver* stupid cold.
i think it's time to make the big seasonal wardrobe switch. i'll do it Friday, so I have something to look forward to during the school days.
seems logical to add that i have no money. yeap, none. hypothetically i should be getting some soon. hypothetically because it will last me like 2 minutes. i've been neglecting my aesthetic needs too long. hair, nails, new mac stuff (Rita, I must have about half that collection damn it!)- and it's all gone.
i still haven't come up with my new name. fuck.
in fact i'm as lost as ever.
i've talked to too many people, who have all made too many great suggestions. now i either pick one out of the hat, or have a super long name with all the good names listed in alphabetical order.
The last name will in fact be Ad'Astra. It's the first that's problematic... Billie, Lola, Sophie, Jesse, Gina, Jac (Jaconda), Gene, Genna, Layla, Gia, Genet, Gemma, Alex, blah blah blah. It's not going to be Yevgenia- I know that for sure. Been dying to change it for years. I wish someone could pick this for me. You know, kind of like it normally happens, when people don't hop countries. Why can't anyone pronounce Xenia, without making X into a Z sound?
I still want it to sound somewhat foreign for when I shall travel to Europe and need my "I'm not American! I'm Russian. Well technically Ukrainian with a bit of Korean" speech. Then again, I will probably pick another name if I move there, and need yet another citizenship. Oiii, decisions, decisions.
i'm such a slacker. a real expert at doing no schoolwork what so ever for the entire five weeks. that is what i call experience.
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| the haze of early fall |
[22 Sep 2009|09:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lethargic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i belong to you- muse |
] |
woke up at 4:30, was out of bed by 5, and out of the house by 7. something's off again. i think it's schoolwork.
confusion breeds hatred. hatred means avoidance. avoidance goes back to confusion.
if i could sleep, i wouldn't have gone to class for the 3rd lecture in a row, but since i couldn't...
i wish i was one to sit down, and hammer away at it until it was either done, or done and understood.
i'm not. i hope for luck on the multiple choice tests, and lack of care in grading on lab sheets.
my hopes (at least when it comes to negligence of TA's) usually come true.
i hate college.
in other news, fall has come to Wisconsin at last. it's in the air, and all around. thick fog covers the ground, and when i'm out driving past midnight; it rises in chunks of bird-like substance from the pavement beneath. there's never anyone on the county roads at the hours of the night, and all i see are ghosts glowing more intense with the approach of my headlights. i long to drive like this. still, always afraid of the unseen living beings crossing the road. coyotes come out at night.
been trying out Billie whenever a name is called for. people seem to be surprised by it. an old name- i know. still, few baristas have inevitably looked in my direction upon reading the cup. maybe it's not too far fetched after all.
what colors should i put around my face in my long black hair. i'm getting it redone before my birthday. do make suggestions please.
P.S. The Resistance is fan-fucking-tastic. Can't wait for Eros.
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[14 Sep 2009|12:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sick |
] |
soooo
3RD WEEK INTO THE SEMESTER I FIGURED OUT THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE CLASS ON MONDAYS...
I NEVER KNEW THAT
REALLY
i don't think i'll pay much attention to this discovery
i liked it better when i didn't
yeap.
plus i've been sick since saturday morning. it's probably not swine flu, but i can act like it is.
gaming all weekend. thanks to helpful 13-year-olds i'm now on the 42nd level. Seriously, when it comes to online gaming, middle school kids are geniuses!
also, thanks to online gaming, i'm a lot less sad.
the week absolutely drained me
it started with moodiness, progressed into a mental breakdown/hysteria around wednesday, and proceeded to settle into deeply entranched melancholy by friday night.
however, since i've gained 3 levels, gotten 5 new skills, and half a new armor set- my mood has drastically improved.
thoughts of not finding Geo, and never ever talking to him again are down to being in my heald only every 3 minutes, versus every 10 seconds on Friday.
...so put down those paintbrushes/forks/glasses/pens/books, and pick up the keyboard. not only will online gaming fill your head with pleasant, meaningless chatter, but it might also help you lose weight. (i went without food pretty much the entire weekend since it's hard to kill monsters+chat one-handed)
*sniffle*sneeze*
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[08 Sep 2009|08:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nyeaah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
treat me like your mother |
] |
i've stretched my weekend to the absolute workable limit.
but
i've actually gotten out. really. i've left the room, the books, the gaming, the organizing... and gotten out into the indian summer sunshine.
it was beautiful. annoying old men annoyed me the entire time with their annoying tendencies to annoy young girls that don't come out under the daytime sun. i should've used "annoy" a couple more times to capture just the first fifty percent of the experience.
other than that- pretty, pretty, pretty
also, i'm not going back to that pier 'til Geo comes with me. Self deprivation is a great stimulus to lose it and hunt. I'll stalk around tomorrow. Wish there weren't so many faces around campus at any given time. Find one in fifty thousand... not entirely impossible.
( what i should've done every summer day- but didn't, and won't )
In other news- this semester will be a total bitch to get through. Statistics for behavioral sciences is a greenish orange with a hint of acid yellow dripping from the roof on my head, and eating through about a hundred times faster than average bird-shit.
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| photo post |
[23 Aug 2009|11:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
The last week of total freedom has now ended.
I go to work tomorrow. The summer paid off, and I'm actually able to honestly say that I am excited to head back to the bookstore. The drive is 40 minutes one way (30 min if the highway is as free as they say it is). Of course having a limiting budget the entire summer helps. I can't wait to smell $100 bills again.
will post about the new job tomorrow
Yesterday Daryl and I hung out. She got her hair done, and then we had to walk Gordy who wouldn't stop screaming. I got my hair + make up done Friday, so if it looks done up, that's cuz it is.
( CAT ADVENTURES + SOME )
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[19 Aug 2009|12:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
i told myself i would never ever ever go on another blind date, after the last guy i agreed to see turned out to be a total nutter... i clearly remember the jounral entry for the following day reading "28 messages/emails/aims = NEVER EVER EVER ANOTHER BLIND DATE EVER AGAIN!"
so why did my mother talk me into this? because she pulled reverse psychology on me. i wish i didn't have to prove things- i do.
here's another thing that bothers me- how do people i don't know proceed to think of me as someone who is a candidate for set-ups? it's simply ridiculous, not to metion rude.
the chain goes as follows: some lady i don't know but who is supposed to be really pretty (which is something i've heard said about her while i was getting my nails done) had just had her brother/cousin/nephew? fly in, and proceeded to talk to her friend about how he needs company. she was telling her friend this because she sort of knows who she would like it to be (me). and she wanted to ask the friend if the friend would call my mother and talk to her about it. so then my mother and the friend talked and decided that my phone # should be given out, and a meeting should be arranged. all this has already occured before i got home... naturally
what i got was this :
"hi, there's a guy who wants to meet you." - no.
"why are you so set on sitting at home and not doing anything?"- what the hell?
"you need to get out more and get practice with actually meeting people" - i'm very comfortable as it is
"you have issues with men, you simply can't talk to them anymore. you need to get over..." - mom, what the hell?
"just go see this guy! you're an immigrant! you know how hard it is when you don't know anyone here, and there's noonw to talk to." - mom, he's visiting his family. i hardly think there's noone to talk to, plus it's seriously not my problem.
"you are 20 years old! just go please! this isn't difficult, and you're making it into something very complicated!" - EXACTLY! I'M 20 YEARS OLD! WHY THIS? REALLY? NOW? you don't even know her. it's not even a friend who asked you!
"oh just go! i know how you don't pick up the phone unless you know the #, so just pick it up because he might call and it would be impolite not to."- fucking hell
"don't swear."
i know it's not the end of the world. i just really fucking don't wanna. russian men simply don't appeal to me. it's their mentality or something. blah, whatever. now i have something to dread, and simultaneously want to get over with as soon as possible- thanks mom.
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apatheticinfamy's journal